If The Season Ended Today...

 Playoff Picture

1) Yung Yerma (10-2) vs. 8) GOAT (6-6)

2) Sport Ball (8-4) vs. 7) Chris Larfley (7-5)

3) whoisblockedbyjames9 (8-4) vs. 6) The Scott Squad (7-5)

4) COLON Kaepernick (7-5) vs. 5) Shoe Leather Express (7-5)

**Just to clarify, GOAT is currently in the playoffs over Public Enemies since he holds the H2H tiebreaker from their Week 2 matchup.

Some Stats Heading into Week 13

Volatility+ is a measure of how much your team's weekly point totals fluctuate from your average points compared to the rest of the league. For reference, a score of 0 indicates average relative volatility.

Week 5 Statistics

 

Week 4 - Contender or Pretender

The first three weeks of the regular season have proven especially tumultuous, with some preseason favorites struggling mightily and a few surprise teams emerging as forces to be reckoned with. Sometimes, however, a team's record can be a misleading barometer of their playoff chances, particularly this early in the season. Let's take a deeper dive on a few teams to unveil if they're contenders - or plain old pretenders.

Thing - PRETENDER

Sure, Thing is the only remaining undefeated team, and he rosters two legitimate fantasy superstars in Swift and Kelce. The harsh reality is that Swift may be out until Week 6, Thing's quarterback situation is concerningly shaky, and their points against currently sits at 299.40, the lowest in the league and nearly 200 points lower than Harrison's! To be fair, Thing's reputation as a consistent playoff contender should probably give him the benefit of the doubt, and a 3-0 record can't be taken lightly... but I don't care. There's absolutely no chance that Thing, with his current roster, will remain at the top of the standings come season's end.

Yung Yerma - CONTENDER

A disappointing Week 2 showing aside, Yung Yerma might be the championship favorite as we approach the quarter-mark of the regular season. Mahomes, Saquon, Cordarelle Patterson, Davante Adams, and Amari Cooper: now that's an absolutely stacked starting lineup. He should have no problem squashing Thing when it comes time to compete for the division crown.

whoisblockedbyjames9 - PRETENDER

Don't be fooled by this division-leading squad; a few big weaknesses will inevitably doom Newman down the stretch. He has a gaping hole at tight end, and two mediocre running backs in Antonio Gibson and Josh Jacobs that are due for some serious regression. Pittman is a bright spot and I have faith that Ekeler will eventually find his footing, but whoisblockedbyjames9 simply doesn't have enough firepower to overcome his weaker players.

SlothBucket - PRETENDER

Perhaps the biggest pretender of them all, SlothBucket insists that his team has great depth and is going to make a big splash in the postseason. It's time for Tyler to face the facts; if not for Stefon Diggs, he would be sad, winless, and with little to hope to finish the season at .500. SlothBucket has the worst quarterback room in the GDFFL, a trio of underwhelming starting running backs, and low-life TikTok receiver who can't produce average numbers even with Pat Mahomes throwing him the ball. I'd be surprised if this team got another win all season.

COLON Kaepernick - CONTENDER

Despite a surprising defeat last week to the incredibly lucky South Park Cows, Dave Scott's squad is championship-caliber, as long as injuries to Herbert, Connor, and Michael Thomas end up being short-term concerns. Simply put, COLON Kaepernick doesn't have a single weakness in his starting lineup, with Ja'Marr Chase anchoring a formidable cast of fantasy stars ripe for explosion on every Sunday. A matchup this week vs. the lowly Public Enemies will be a much-needed reminder that Dave remains the GDFFL's cream of the crop (it should be noted that Dave will crash and burn in the playoffs, as he does every year).

Week 3 Power Rankings

 Keeping it short and sweet this week with some quick one-sentence power rankings.

16. South Park Cows (-15)

The embarrassment of the league year-in and year-out, the South Park Cows lived up to their reputation and put up less than 150 points in two weeks of action...

15. Public Enemies (-4)

Once thought to be a fantasy heavyweight, Ryan teDuits has struggled mightily in his first two games as a member of the GDFFL, and things are bound to get worse as he juggles Marcus Mariota and Crab Legs Winston at the QB position.

14. BermDawgs (+1)

Despite some serious talent at receiver, Mainerd and Bermy are going to struggle all season with an incredibly top-heavy roster and limp-dick Trevor Lawrence starting in Dak's stead. 

13. Robinhoood the Anti-Larf (-10)

Huge preseason expectations for Harry Balls appear to have been unjustified, as his roster of big-name studs have all the flash but no filler...

12. Sport Ball (+4)

A blockbuster deal with Chris Larfley this week has surely upgraded his roster, but Sock Gavel's still below-average running back duo of Jeff Wilson and Eno Benjamin will continue to doom his playoff hopes.

11. whoisblockedbyjames9 (-6)

There's reason to believe that Newman can overcome his lackluster start, but uninspiring performances from Burrow and Ekeler are certainly cause for concern.

10. The Scott Squad (-8)

Another group with high expectations entering the season, Brian's receiving corps leaves A LOT to be desired and severely limits his weekly upside.

9. Chris Larfley (+5)

The aforementioned blockbuster trade brought Josh Allen to Larf's crew, creating a dynamic QB-WR pairing with J Jettas that will strike fear in opponents.

8. SlothBucket (+1)

Tyler's team is lucky to be sitting at 2-0 with some poopy players in his lineup (including Geno Smith at QB) but might be able to ride Stefon Diggs to a bunch of victories.

7. Keegs (-)

Probably the most surprising placement of these power rankings, Keegs sits at 0-2 but has a roster with huge upside and no identifiable weaknesses - and has yet to make any ill-advised trades.

6. Mother of Dogs (-2)

Two wins doesn't change the fact that Ed is starting not one, but TWO Chicago Bears this week, which is a huge red flag and an indication that his hot start will be coming to an end very soon.

5. Thing (+7)

At 2-0, Rump Thing is performing much better than expected but still has some glaring weaknesses at running back and flex that he'll need to patch up if he hopes to continue rolling.

4. Yung Yerma (+2)

Xerxes is rocking with a pretty scary lineup of Mahomes, Barkley, and Davante Adams, but the re-emergence of Amari Cooper as a legit WR1 put them in the conversation for championship contender status.

3. Shoe Leather Express (+1)

Don't get me wrong, I don't like the wishy-washy Simon Chandler even remotely, but his tandem of Chubb and Amon-Ra has looked borderline unstoppable.

2. COLON Kaepernick (+11)

Admittedly I'm tired of Dave Scott being excellent at fantasy every single season. He's like the anti-Evan.

1. Bigger Burss (+9)

It's looking like Ethan might not lose a game this season and is easily the front-runner for Rookie of the Year.

Week 1 Recap

Colon Kaepernick defeats The Scott Squad, 141.16 to 99.50

    In typical fashion, Dave Scott made a strong early season statement by defeating his own son Brian in a matchup that quickly became out of control once the 4 o'clock games were underway. Four 20-point outbursts from the likes of Justin Herbert, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Michael Thomas, and Ja'Marr Chase propelled Colon Kaepernick into the 140 point territory and helped him claim the title of Week 1's highest scoring team. While Dave appears headed for another dominant regular season, Brian and the Scott Squad will need better performances from their receiving core if they wish to meet lofty preseason expectations.

Mother of Dogs defeats South Park Cows, 92.78 to 71.40

    After being ranked no.1 in the way-too-early preseason power rankings, South Park Cows proved once again that their manager Evan Cook is hilariously incompetent with a 70 point dud against the defending champ Mother of Dogs. You know you have a woeful roster when your highest scoring player is your defense. Jonathan Taylor and Kareem Hunt looked great this weekend and provided more than enough scoring output for Ed to come out with the victory. The rest of his roster, however, left a lot to be desired and will need to take things up a notch if they hope to defeat anyone but the scum of the league this season. 

whoisblockedbyjames9 defeats Public Enemies, 99.22 to 89.66

    Safe to say that Ryan teDuits' entrance into the league did not exactly go according to plan. Considered a "fantasy football connoisseur" by many, teDuits was left to rely on his kicker and defense for most of his scoring this weekend - tough look. Meanwhile, Newman's trio of Burrow, Pittman, and Gibson gave him a respectable, if not overly impressive, Week 1 victory. To his credit, teDuits appeared to be spot-on with his preseason love of Jaboo Winston, providing a little bit of optimism for the rest of the season.

Thing defeats Shoe Leather Express, 100.48 to 90.50

    The mighty Thing came out with a solid dub in a grudge match vs. cocky rookie Simon Chandler. Despite some consistent scoring output across the board for the SL Express, a lack of any true groundbreaking performances led to him coming up short vs. former league champion Rump. Rump Thing was able to offset miserable performances from both Cam Akers and Darnell Mooney with terrific efforts from Swift and Kelce, with decent supporting performances from Kirk Cousins and Succop.

SlothBucket defeats Sport Ball, 99.08 to 90.38

    Despite the final score, this was most certainly a moral victory for Sport Ball, who managed to put up 90 points with a starting running back tandem of Kenyan Drake and Ty Johnson, the latter of which scored zero points. Josh Allen will be an obvious bright spot for Sock Gavel all season long and might even be enough to help his team contend for a wild card spot. On the flip side, SlothBucket's roster showed real consistency and despite a lackluster game from A-Rob, is off to a promising start.

Yung Yerma defeats Robinhood the Anti-Larf, 140.80 to 97.90

    My oh my, did Yung Yerma put on a show this weekend. Contending closely with Dave for the highest scoring team of the week, Jeremy had three players with a scoring output above 25 points - not to mention his defense which put up a clutch 17. Mahomes, Barkley, and Adams will likely be offensive stalwarts all season and have Yung Yerma's team positioned strongly as championship favorites. Harry's squad put up a little bit of a fight but ugly performances from Stafford and Pitts crushed any reasonable hopes for victory.

Chris Larfley defeats Keegs, 90.16 to 88.72

    Regardless of victory, Big Burss has very little reason to feel good about the remainder of the season, as a 34 point explosion from Justin Jefferson was the sole reason he came out ahead against Keegs. A trip to the IR for Eli Mitchell and gloomy prospects for Kadarius Toney to see the field in coming weeks have Chris Larfley feeling extra nervous despite starting the season 1-0. An underwhelming showing from Keegs was certainly a disappointment, but players like Kamara and Deebo are bound to see their production spike as the season progresses.

Bigger Burss defeats BermDawgs, 122.82 to 101.74

    The surprise of the week has to be Ethan Cook going for the third highest scoring output in his GDFFL debut. Sure, Younghoe Koo and the Bills D will likely experience major regression next week, but the combination of Kyler Murray and Tyreek Hill should carry Bigger Burss throughout the regular season. BermDawgs actually put together a solid performance, proving that Cooper Kupp was a fine selection #2 overall. The loss of Dak to injury, however, is a major blow that could be tough to recover from.

Post-Draft Power Rankings 8/18/22

 Wow! What a night it turned out to be... the 9th annual GDFFL/League of Larf draft was a massive success. Laughs were had, drinks were shared, and Thing, yet again, managed to construct the best team that anyone has ever seen. He is, after all, a fantasy football genius!

Before embarking on a perilous journey through the way-too-early power rankings, I would like to give a special shoutout to Simon Chandler, Ryan teDuits, and Ethan Cook for gladly accepting the challenge of joining our highly competitive 16 team mine field of a league. Let's just hope the older Cook puts up more of a fight than his younger, much less football savvy brother, who can't tell his rights from his lefts and is on record saying that he was seriously considering taking Arian Foster with the 9th pick.

With that, let's dive in..

16) Sport Ball (Odds to win championship: +1000)

Sad to say, but it seems as if the once mighty Sock Gavel, who posted unequivocally the greatest scoring season in GDFFL history back in 2018, has drafted maybe the worst team I have ever laid my fat googly eyes upon. For the sake of not wasting everyone's time discussing a team with such shitty aspirations, I'll simply name drop Sport Ball's starting running backs: Ronald Jones and Marlon Mack. Holy..

15) BermDawgs (+1000)

No surprise here - the BermDawgs blow. As per usual, their first round draft selection was a last minute gust of shit. Let's be real; Cooper Kupp is just an average white guy who had a fluke season last year. He's the equivalent of Danny Amendola on steroids- except Danny Boy literally had a whole song written about him (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-InM-TqBg14). Mind you, their running backs also happen to be miserable. Cmon guys, we know the truth - Mainerd and Bermy will be missing the playoffs yet again.

14) Chris Larfley (+875)

As much as it pains me to say this, the squad formally known as the Mooks had a shit draft. Whether it was the 16-inch steak and cheese with extra mayonnaise or the $4.99 five pound rotisserie chicken from Costco (great deal!), something foul must've settled deep in Sir Larfsalot's tummy, as his selections turned out quite stinky. Low floor running backs, a dumpy tight end, and a bench of unknowns will likely doom the Corrupt Commissioner's playoff chances this season.

13) COLON Kaepernick (+825)

Dave Scott is an inspiring man, truly - but holy shit does his team stink like rats. Dave, who reminds me of a more likeable Aaron Rodgers (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNcN5QpIL7w), has yet to wield the GDFFL championship trophy, and a quick peek at his draft choices this season prove why. Bad RBs, bad WRs, bad TE... it's not looking great for the widely known Grown Ups 2-lover.

12) Thing (+700)

"ooookay Bursaaaaa, i literally have the best team in the leagueeeee." Nice try, Thing. We all know what you were thinking when you drafted Kirk Cousins. "Omgggg, Kirk is gonna be QB3 this seasonnnnn." Wrong. Kirk is gonna be the same Kirk he's been for years- average dinkle stinkle. I firmly believe this is the year that the Rump of de Honk finally regresses... P.S. Rump claims he is "the best fantasy football player this side of the Mississippi," yet drafted Tim Patrick, who just recently tore his ACL and is out for the season. Hm...

11) Public Enemies (+650)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eb86F2JZMQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_mlJ-EoNXY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x-RI0FPs58

Public Enemies won't put fear in any of his opponents this season with Crab Legs at the helm. teDuits' short-sighted late round move to sign over his fantasy football destiny to a half witted dinkle-doobler is laughable! What was otherwise a well-rounded roster is now looking like a colossal Mega-Swaz.

10) Bigger Burss (+650)

Although his team name might be an obvious stretch (I'm pretty sure Big Burss is inching dangerously close to the 300 pound club nowadays), Ethan's chances of taking home the ship this year are stretched even thinner. Michael Carter at RB2? London and Renfrow are iffy as well. I'm not sure this team would best Ethan's Tuesday night men's basketball league roster...

9) SlothBucket (+600)

Thankfully, the entrance of SlothBucket into the power rankings marks a turning point as we delve into more talented teams. Tyler is a greasy little nincompoop who spends most of his days grunting in the Mill Works gym but he managed to piece together a team with some potential league winners, like Javonte Williams and Stefon Diggs. Sadly, SlothBucket also decided to draft the choker Matt Ryan as his QB1, which caps his ceiling as a fringe playoff team.

8) Mother of Dogs (+600)

The reigning champs wound up with the first pick of the draft this season, but other than their top selection, ultimately harvested a mediocre crop of players. Tee Higgins is a reliable option at wideout, and Tom Brady is Tom Brady, but the core of this squad leaves a lot to be desired. The prevailing thinking in league circles is that Ed Manzi hasn't logged in to his NFL.com app in years and relies on the mysterious "James" to manage his team. Very shady, and I think karma is finally catching up...

7) Keegs (+550)

The always unpredictable Keegs somehow ended up with a half-decent crews despite auto-drafting his first four selections and selecting retired players. Reliability at QB, RB, + WR comes at a premium in fantasy, yet Connor managed to pull it off, hauling in Kyler, Kamara, and Deebo. Keegs would've likely been higher on this list if I had any faith in him not trading away most of his players for scraps by midseason.

6) Yung Yerma (+525)

Oh, little Yerma, you little freak. Jeremy's second round selection of Saquon Barkley might turn out to be the steal of the draft and should catapult his squad firmly into playoff contention. Unfortunately Yung Yerma, like Keegs, drafted a retired player and I have therefore lost most if not all respect for him. He also has Pat Mahomes at QB, who, despite his talent, has a brother and wife who are certified freakshows (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUHofT7-DRM).

5) whoisblockedbyjames9 (+450)

Newman, who originally planned on attending the draft party but bailed on me at the very last minute, adopted an interesting draft strategy, selecting lots of high floor players with limited opportunities to truly break out. Personally, I think it's an excellent move that will have whoisblockedbyjames9 looking like a championship contender from the getgo. On the flip side, Newman thought drafting shrimp-arm Tua as his backup QB was a good idea.. just his mere presence on the roster might derail all playoff hopes.

4) Shoe Leather Express (+425)

Ahh, the Shoe Leather Express. Worst team name, by far. Also, apparently he has a stellar fantasy football resume. The fuck are you talking about? As naive as he is, the young chap really threaded the needle with his draft choices, scooping up a potentially deadly trio of receivers, two extremely solid running backs and the best value QB of the draft in Derek Carr. However, his decision to grab Justin Tucker before anyone else had even smelt a kicker was incredibly stupid and could come back to bite him in a big way.

3) Team Flash (+400)

Oh, Harry. Despite his sad and strange proclivity for bullying, Team Flash never fails to roster an impressive mix of players and is only two years removed from a championship season. With a starting lineup of certified studs including Najee, Evans, and Pitts, along with a slew of high upside characters off the bench, you could say that Harry might be the favorite to win it all. Sadly, his decision to be pouty and leave the league group chat "on his own accord" suggests he doesn't quite have the grit to be a true contender.

2) The Scott Squad (+400)

Brian, the self-proclaimed "King of the Draft," who to my knowledge has never made a trade in league history but loves to scour waivers early in the season for the next Willie Snead, has impressed us once again. Capitalizing on McCaffrey's slide down the draft board, Scotty started off the night hot and didn't let up. With no apparent weaknesses, Brian looks set for league supremacy, although there has been speculation that his Boston Marathon training could prove to be a major distraction. Only time will tell.

1) South Park Cows (+375)

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the evening - Evan Cook, 1000 point scorer in high school who spends his days and nights in the bathroom at Tyler Leclerc's gym, somehow drafted what is looking like this year's most tantalizing squad. The South Park Cows, who are just as notorious for missing the playoffs as they are for their frequent head-scratching, are ready to be finally taken seriously in the fantasy realm, boasting the best pair of running backs in the league, and a wide receiver room that will do much more damage than their ADPs suggest. Add in back-to-back MVP Aaron Rodgers to the fold and you've got a hell of a ball club.