Wow! What a night it turned out to be... the 9th annual GDFFL/League of Larf draft was a massive success. Laughs were had, drinks were shared, and Thing, yet again, managed to construct the best team that anyone has ever seen. He is, after all, a fantasy football genius!
Before embarking on a perilous journey through the way-too-early power rankings, I would like to give a special shoutout to Simon Chandler, Ryan teDuits, and Ethan Cook for gladly accepting the challenge of joining our highly competitive 16 team mine field of a league. Let's just hope the older Cook puts up more of a fight than his younger, much less football savvy brother, who can't tell his rights from his lefts and is on record saying that he was seriously considering taking Arian Foster with the 9th pick.
With that, let's dive in..
16) Sport Ball (Odds to win championship: +1000)
Sad to say, but it seems as if the once mighty Sock Gavel, who posted unequivocally the greatest scoring season in GDFFL history back in 2018, has drafted maybe the worst team I have ever laid my fat googly eyes upon. For the sake of not wasting everyone's time discussing a team with such shitty aspirations, I'll simply name drop Sport Ball's starting running backs: Ronald Jones and Marlon Mack. Holy..
15) BermDawgs (+1000)
No surprise here - the BermDawgs blow. As per usual, their first round draft selection was a last minute gust of shit. Let's be real; Cooper Kupp is just an average white guy who had a fluke season last year. He's the equivalent of Danny Amendola on steroids- except Danny Boy literally had a whole song written about him (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-InM-TqBg14). Mind you, their running backs also happen to be miserable. Cmon guys, we know the truth - Mainerd and Bermy will be missing the playoffs yet again.
14) Chris Larfley (+875)
As much as it pains me to say this, the squad formally known as the Mooks had a shit draft. Whether it was the 16-inch steak and cheese with extra mayonnaise or the $4.99 five pound rotisserie chicken from Costco (great deal!), something foul must've settled deep in Sir Larfsalot's tummy, as his selections turned out quite stinky. Low floor running backs, a dumpy tight end, and a bench of unknowns will likely doom the Corrupt Commissioner's playoff chances this season.
13) COLON Kaepernick (+825)
Dave Scott is an inspiring man, truly - but holy shit does his team stink like rats. Dave, who reminds me of a more likeable Aaron Rodgers (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNcN5QpIL7w), has yet to wield the GDFFL championship trophy, and a quick peek at his draft choices this season prove why. Bad RBs, bad WRs, bad TE... it's not looking great for the widely known Grown Ups 2-lover.
12) Thing (+700)
"ooookay Bursaaaaa, i literally have the best team in the leagueeeee." Nice try, Thing. We all know what you were thinking when you drafted Kirk Cousins. "Omgggg, Kirk is gonna be QB3 this seasonnnnn." Wrong. Kirk is gonna be the same Kirk he's been for years- average dinkle stinkle. I firmly believe this is the year that the Rump of de Honk finally regresses... P.S. Rump claims he is "the best fantasy football player this side of the Mississippi," yet drafted Tim Patrick, who just recently tore his ACL and is out for the season. Hm...
11) Public Enemies (+650)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eb86F2JZMQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_mlJ-EoNXY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x-RI0FPs58
Public Enemies won't put fear in any of his opponents this season with Crab Legs at the helm. teDuits' short-sighted late round move to sign over his fantasy football destiny to a half witted dinkle-doobler is laughable! What was otherwise a well-rounded roster is now looking like a colossal Mega-Swaz.
10) Bigger Burss (+650)
Although his team name might be an obvious stretch (I'm pretty sure Big Burss is inching dangerously close to the 300 pound club nowadays), Ethan's chances of taking home the ship this year are stretched even thinner. Michael Carter at RB2? London and Renfrow are iffy as well. I'm not sure this team would best Ethan's Tuesday night men's basketball league roster...
9) SlothBucket (+600)
Thankfully, the entrance of SlothBucket into the power rankings marks a turning point as we delve into more talented teams. Tyler is a greasy little nincompoop who spends most of his days grunting in the Mill Works gym but he managed to piece together a team with some potential league winners, like Javonte Williams and Stefon Diggs. Sadly, SlothBucket also decided to draft the choker Matt Ryan as his QB1, which caps his ceiling as a fringe playoff team.
8) Mother of Dogs (+600)
The reigning champs wound up with the first pick of the draft this season, but other than their top selection, ultimately harvested a mediocre crop of players. Tee Higgins is a reliable option at wideout, and Tom Brady is Tom Brady, but the core of this squad leaves a lot to be desired. The prevailing thinking in league circles is that Ed Manzi hasn't logged in to his NFL.com app in years and relies on the mysterious "James" to manage his team. Very shady, and I think karma is finally catching up...
7) Keegs (+550)
The always unpredictable Keegs somehow ended up with a half-decent crews despite auto-drafting his first four selections and selecting retired players. Reliability at QB, RB, + WR comes at a premium in fantasy, yet Connor managed to pull it off, hauling in Kyler, Kamara, and Deebo. Keegs would've likely been higher on this list if I had any faith in him not trading away most of his players for scraps by midseason.
6) Yung Yerma (+525)
Oh, little Yerma, you little freak. Jeremy's second round selection of Saquon Barkley might turn out to be the steal of the draft and should catapult his squad firmly into playoff contention. Unfortunately Yung Yerma, like Keegs, drafted a retired player and I have therefore lost most if not all respect for him. He also has Pat Mahomes at QB, who, despite his talent, has a brother and wife who are certified freakshows (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUHofT7-DRM).
5) whoisblockedbyjames9 (+450)
Newman, who originally planned on attending the draft party but bailed on me at the very last minute, adopted an interesting draft strategy, selecting lots of high floor players with limited opportunities to truly break out. Personally, I think it's an excellent move that will have whoisblockedbyjames9 looking like a championship contender from the getgo. On the flip side, Newman thought drafting shrimp-arm Tua as his backup QB was a good idea.. just his mere presence on the roster might derail all playoff hopes.
4) Shoe Leather Express (+425)
Ahh, the Shoe Leather Express. Worst team name, by far. Also, apparently he has a stellar fantasy football resume. The fuck are you talking about? As naive as he is, the young chap really threaded the needle with his draft choices, scooping up a potentially deadly trio of receivers, two extremely solid running backs and the best value QB of the draft in Derek Carr. However, his decision to grab Justin Tucker before anyone else had even smelt a kicker was incredibly stupid and could come back to bite him in a big way.
3) Team Flash (+400)
Oh, Harry. Despite his sad and strange proclivity for bullying, Team Flash never fails to roster an impressive mix of players and is only two years removed from a championship season. With a starting lineup of certified studs including Najee, Evans, and Pitts, along with a slew of high upside characters off the bench, you could say that Harry might be the favorite to win it all. Sadly, his decision to be pouty and leave the league group chat "on his own accord" suggests he doesn't quite have the grit to be a true contender.
2) The Scott Squad (+400)
Brian, the self-proclaimed "King of the Draft," who to my knowledge has never made a trade in league history but loves to scour waivers early in the season for the next Willie Snead, has impressed us once again. Capitalizing on McCaffrey's slide down the draft board, Scotty started off the night hot and didn't let up. With no apparent weaknesses, Brian looks set for league supremacy, although there has been speculation that his Boston Marathon training could prove to be a major distraction. Only time will tell.
1) South Park Cows (+375)
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the evening - Evan Cook, 1000 point scorer in high school who spends his days and nights in the bathroom at Tyler Leclerc's gym, somehow drafted what is looking like this year's most tantalizing squad. The South Park Cows, who are just as notorious for missing the playoffs as they are for their frequent head-scratching, are ready to be finally taken seriously in the fantasy realm, boasting the best pair of running backs in the league, and a wide receiver room that will do much more damage than their ADPs suggest. Add in back-to-back MVP Aaron Rodgers to the fold and you've got a hell of a ball club.
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